Motherhood

This is my 39

Posted by

0

I am 39 years old. The big 4-0 is coming in April and I feel…excited, nervous, proud, grateful, nervous. I’ve already started thinking about what I want to do to celebrate the big day- Vegas? Key West, Pentwater, Atlantic City, Traverse City?

And yes, I will celebrate. 40 doesn’t scare me. Many are denied the privilege of growing old. I’m here, so I am going to make the most of it.

Inspired by some friends who have recently posted about their big days, I give you “My 39.” In no particular order.

  1. I have a bite guard. Good thing Justin Timberlake already brought sexy back, otherwise I would give him a run for his money. It helps me sleep and I no longer have a popping jaw. So, turns out that rotten dentist was right, I needed it. Knowing how much it costs, I guard it like the crown jewels. I even use that retainer case they gave me. Cause, you know, I’m really 8.
  2. Reading glasses. I’ve had these for 4 years now actually, courtesy of being a doctoral student for five years. But I need a stronger prescription for up close reading and I think I might benefit from bifocals. I wear my glasses all day at work. When someone comes into my office and I look up at them I can’t see them because they are far away. When I get up out of my chair and walk around the office or building (need to do that more. I am 39 after all) and forget to take my glasses off, I run into things. The alternative is one of those chains that hangs around your neck. I’m 39 not 79!
  3. My cardio for the week is walking to the other section of our building to get chocolate to wake me up at 230pm.
  4. My husband and I need to make a will. And, I want to do it. I have the name of a lawyer all ready to go. Just need to call.
  5. When the quarterly reports from my 403b retirement plan come in, I read them.
  6. I voted yesterday. I always vote.
  7. I am seriously considering botox or some sort of filler for my crow’s feet. 40th treat to myself?
  8. My hair is about 80% gray. I am too young to have as many grays as I do, so I dye it myself.
  9. Because I have two children, a mortgage, car payments, blah blah blah, I dye my hair myself. I don’t have the time or money to get all over color and low lights every six weeks. Thanks, Garnier Nutrisse!
  10. Related to above, I saved all of my Aveda Pure Privilege points to cover my most recent haircut so I could use cash to buy products.
  11. Also related to above, I have needed conditioner and control paste for two weeks. But I went through every travel size bottle of stuff I had and squeezed out the old hair goop from the pump before I bit the bullet and paid $80 in product.
  12. I haven’t had a functional umbrella in over two years. My husband just bought me one to use because it was snowing/sleeting on Halloween.
  13. I want a tattoo. Have the font, color, location all picked out. Don’t think I can do it without passing out though.
  14. My grandmother is 94. I know she will not live forever. When the phone rings, I fear that it is my mom telling me to come home because she died.
  15. Ch-acne. Blerg. (if you don’t what that is, look for Tina Fey’s AmEx commercial.)
  16. Mammograms. There is a correlation between my son’s cancer diagnosis and my increased risk of breast cancer. I have had three mammos already. They are not that bad. Although, I am guessing that the machine was invented by a man.
  17. Red wine. I prefer red wine over beer. Beer makes me too full and then you can’t drink as much.
  18. My feet and hands are always cold. I wear socks to bed and I tuck the bottom of my pjs into my socks so there is no skin exposed.
  19. I never carry cash. In an emergency, I “borrow” it from my son’s piggy-bank.
  20. I am turning into my mother and I am ok with that. It is a 12 hr car ride home to NJ. When we take rest stops, I actually make my sons run around to “get the willies out.” It helps them stop “acting all rammy.” These are things she said to us growing up. They are true and the best words to describe these feelings/actions.

What’s your 39 look like? I’d love to hear!

Ladies, stop apologizing.

Posted by

0

I received an email from the young woman who is my son’s catechism teacher. Her message was three brief paragraphs and took about 30 seconds to read. So, why at the end of her message did she say, “I am sorry this is so long. I promise the email next week will be much shorter!” ?!?!?!

She did absolutely nothing wrong. In fact, her message did everything right.

  1. It was sent to the right email address.
  2. Her greeting was fine.
  3. She identified herself and the woman who is her co-teacher.
  4. She told us a little about herself.
  5. She explained the lesson they had just covered in class and related it to the homework that came home.
  6. She indicated that there would be future emails that would include similar information.
  7. Her message was grammatically correct and free of misspellings.

So, why the apology?

Maybe someone told her that her messages were too long and she was preemptively protecting herself from backlash or complaining. Gosh I hope not, but highly probable. Maybe she thinks that being self-deprecating makes her more likable. (It doesn’t. It actually reduces her credibility.) Maybe, and most likely, is that this is how she has been socialized.

She is only a sophomore in college, studying in a STEM field dominated by men. If this is how she is acting in a volunteer role, how will she be able to stand up for herself and her ideas when she is out in “in the real world?”

This needs to stop.

I emailed her back and said thanks for the professional note. I also told her that she didn’t need to apologize. Maybe she’ll read it and take it to heart. Maybe she won’t. I hope she does. I hope that it planted a seed that will someday grow into confidence. I hope that there are others, especially other women, helping her see that she only needs to apologize if she has done something apology-worthy.

We can do better. Watch this video for examples of how to flip the script and get what you need without saying sorry.

Dear Miss S,

THANK YOU for the work you are doing with the third grade catechism class. Your service is important and meaningful. I am grateful that my son is in your class and look forward to the many wonderful things he will learn about his faith this year. You are a great role model. Keep up the great work.

Love,

Monica- a grateful parent

 

The simplest answer is the best answer

Posted by

0

My son C is a snuggler. He expresses and receives love by being physically close to people. He loves to keep me company, especially as I get ready for work in the morning. He brings me my robe and then climbs up onto the bathroom counter and watches me put on my make-up and dry my hair. “What is that for? Why do you need that?” Although these questions slow me down, I am trying to slow.down. and revel in these moments. I know they will not last forever.

This weekend, his questions were more serious.

C: “Why do you need to wear bras?”

Me: “Well, I only need a bra. And they hold up my breasts.” (I refuse to make up cute names for body parts. Just call stuff what it is.)

C: “Why?”

Me: “If I don’t they hang down too low.” (How is that for honesty?)

C: “What happens when two boys get married?” (Whoa. Six seems a little young for this conversation, but here we go.)

Me: “What do you mean what happens?”

C: “How come they can’t have a baby?”

Me: “Well, because boys don’t have the same parts inside that girls have that make the baby grow.”

C: “So, how do they get one?”

Me: “Well, sometimes they can adopt a baby. You know what that means, right?”

C: “Yeah, like cousin M and grandma.”

Me: “Right.”

C: “Ok.”

And that was it. No drawn out philosophical debate and no more questions. At least for now.

In the almost nine years that I’ve been a mother, I’ve learned that the more complicated I make my answers to things, the more questions there are after. Because, children are inherently honest and pure. They can spot BS a mile away and will call you out on it every chance they get. They are clean slates who know nothing. They must be taught everything: love, kindness, friendship, family, personal hygiene (oof!). And, children are taught to hate. And who teaches them these things? Us. The adults in their lives.

My husband says, “I believe that we are here to love others. And it’s my job to teach the boys to love. In the end, I will be judged by my Maker and no one else.”

There you have it.

Love.

Simple=best.